First leg, part two

The steps in the castle are so steep that both McAdams and I have sore thighs. It has a big iron ball on one side that swayed and shook in the wind; I didn't go into it. It had a friendly dragon guarding over the whole thing (see the bird in his mouth?) I saw chipmunks, deer and a hummingbird. I was not scared of any of them, though the chipmunks were a little unpredictable. I don't know if you can see it, but in the sign Mr. Bishop put up outside of the castle, it refers to the masses as 'sheeple'. I like that.

Now we are in Wyoming, on our way to the Grand Tetons. It is FANTASTIC here. It is big and winding, with clear running waters and amazing color schemes everywhere. It's stimulating and tranquil at the same time. Here we are happy on the road. I'll post as soon as I can. We are thinking of all of you!

*****************************BONUS PICTURES!!!!!!*********************************

1. Sign taped over toilet in Quanah, Tx.

2. The antler arch in Jackson, WY (no aniamls were injured or killed in the making or taking of the arch or photo)

3. McFloozy & friend

First leg: Tx, Co, and Jackson Hole

Hello from the road everyone! We are well and having a great time. Sorry for not posting regularly: I made a slight miscalculation for the Big Adventure blog idea; most of the places we are staying are remote and somewhat podunk, so they don't have Internet access. Oops! My bad! Also, it seems that McAdams would rather spend her vacation out in the beautiful mountains than stuck in some nerdy internet cafe - go figure! Here's a brief summation of what has happened so far:


TEXAS: We left our native Cuba (got that cyberstalkers? Cuba!) and crossed the Texas panhandle. I cannot begin to express to you the vast, sucking nothingness that is the Texas panhandle. Miles and miles of dying towns, dilapidated trucks and endless, open, flat areas broken only by little shack on the prarie. McAdams thought a good idea for a bumper sticker would be "Welcome to West Texas, where you can watch your dog run away for days." Not much to report from there, except I saw a tarantula. And almost got arrested.

COLORADO: We spent about a minute on the highway in New Mexico, which was more of the same flat boring monotony, rolling out much like the burp of a fat, drunken man. As soon as we crossed into Co., things started looking up. We went to a castle inthe Lake Isabel National Forest. It was hand built by one man, Jim Bishop, starting in 1968. It is amazing. He did everything himself; stone work, wrought iron, stained glass; it was a bit rickety but an amazing feat of artistry, set on the side of a mountain. Igot the opportunity to talk to Mr. Bishop himself when he called me over from atop a tractor to asked how I liked his creation. I told him it was amazing and that I was astounded by his vision and effort. He told me that the goverment was evil and should all go to hell with the Satan they worshipped. He said everything was controlled by Lord Rothchild and that things had not been the same since Roosevelt. He was very anti-Roosevelt. Also anti-Israel, the pope, taxpayers, zoning, Nazis and The Encyclopedia Brittanica. I think he liked me, though.

Crisco's Crack of Dawn

It has begun. McAdams woke me up at 5:30 a.m. I sent her down to make my coffee - effective training begins early- and she woke me again at 5:42. Still too early. Have I mentioned I'm not a morning person?
The car is all packed and we are ready to go. McAdams is all chipper and excited. She is talking to herself and running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Not so attractive so early in the a of m.
Mackersmom and McPoppa: I will take good care of your girl. I will not push her down during a bear stampede (though if she trips, it's every girl for herself.) I will tell her stories and dance the robot with her. I will report on her activities and keep her on the right side of Johnny Law. Thank you for all that you have done in getting us on the road. Yea! Here we go!!!!!!!

10...9....8....7....

Well, it's the day before the night I leave for the Big Adventure. Tonight after dinner with my family (HEEEYY Famleee! Mad props and big ups, y'all!!!!!), I drive out to McAdams' place, which is far away in a suburb of my metropolis; I'll call it "Crisco". It's so far out that I include it in the Big Adventure as the first leg of the trip, though I doubt I'll have any photos to post. Tomorrow we wake up at first light, and, after McAdams dresses me, makes my breakfast and loads the car, we're off!!!! (I'm not a morning person).

Before all that begins, I'd like to sincerely thank all for you who have posted comments or told me nice things about the blog. It has been way more fun than I expected, and it's really nice of you to tune in and take the time to read my rants, musings and ramblings. Oh, sure, not all the comments have been favorable (I get it! I write sentences that are too long! The huge paragraphs make you cross-eyed! I might be schizophrenic! Some people need drugs to maintain balance and a healthy equilibrium!), but I will get better, and, more importantly, who cares what you have to say! Who are you, Gary Cogill? Donald Trump? The drummer girl from the White Stripes? I don't have to listen to you!

Also, enormous gracias to Salty and Ed, who are my number one supporters in everything I do (and who are lawyers, which keeps me from serving jail time for some of the things that I do); my parents, who gave me gifts, like the love of things odd and small, that allow me to see beauty everywhere; AE and EA, who make me laugh and teach me things and are in my head and heart always; Brenda, who thinks I am artistic; George, who thinks I'm autistic; Miss Mary, who thinks I'm fit; Denichiwa, who likes how I dance and thinks I'm clever when I'm drunk; KB, who just likes me; June, who knows a better way; Lydia, who can do anything, and shows others that they can also; and He-who-shall-remain-nameless, for making me laugh and sing. I lovelovelove you all.

Finally, to the Stern Sunday Gang, I'll see you in three weeks!!!!

Take care everybody, and check in - I'm sure I'll have lots to say!

Mom's garden, mostly

Well, it's official; the blog has travelled to Annecy, France, and the greater reaches of Pennsylvania. Fantastic! I'm so bad, I'm nationwide!

While I appreciate the comments that have been posted re: things I fear, particularly the bears, I don't think you people really get the nature of said fears, because you have been deluded by bear propaganda. Apparently, this is how you perceive the ursine enemy:

My friends, except for the koala, who I'll deal with later, this is NOT an accurate portrayal of bears. Starting long before the semi-moronic Winnie, and extending well beyond the post-modern robot bear I saw in a zoo-themed episode of "The Jetsons" (or, did I just dream that one?), the media has portrayed the "assassins of the forest" as cuddly, mankind-loving animals, who, in the case of Smokey, will go so far to ensure our well-being that they will even try to save us from ourselves. The powerful political action committee PAC (Pooh-Bear Advancement Coalition) has had America's journalists in its pocket for years, even buying the soul of Theodore Roosevelt for the price of a cute plush toy bearing has name. Don't believe the hype, rock-blogstahs! Bears are huge, honey-driven, homicidal maniacs! They are NOT interested in us for anything other than appetizers! They don't differentiate between say, Albert Einstein and a LuAnn Platter. Even the adorable koala is not what he appears to be; they are the crack whores of the animal kingdom, strung out on eucalyptus, all pissed off and vicious when they fall out of a tree because they are so wasted they can't hold on any longer, not even with their specially adapted claws! So don't tell me, Shansta, Eduardo (if those are your real names!) and all the rest of you, not to worry! I live in the world of reality, and, to paraphrase the words of Eric Cartman, cartoon prophet, "You will respect my realitah!!!"

I think it is obvious that nature is everywhere and that it is out to get us. I don't want to say I told you so, but I did just do a piece on the pterodactyl mosquito, and days later the newspaper reported something about how the insects had been injecting themselves with West Nile Virus in order to spread the disease. Though animals will claim they have nowhere else to go because we "species-centric" humans keep tearing down their natural habitat to build evermore obnoxious McMansions, I resent the fact that I keep receiving emails from concerned tax-payers (do bears pay taxes? I think not!) who are worried about bands of foxes, bobcats, squirrels and pigeons who are taking over our neighborhoods. (Full disclosure: I haven't actually received that many emails about the squirrels and pigeons, but open your eyes, people! They're everywhere!) However, it's not really my responsiblilty to educate you about the ways of wild. You'll come around.

I meant to write today's entry about my mom's garden. I guess it's just as well that now I'm exhausted and can't continue on, because my sister told me that the photos were BO-RING. You be the judge. I'm going to take a nap.

******************************BONUS PHOTO**************************************

This is a picture of Eduardo, cyberstalkers. Get him!

Me, Glorious Me!

Greetings, blogstahs! Before I really get in to today's post, let me just say that this blog has become an opportunity for me to take a deeply introspective look at myself (I guess if it's introspective, what other than myself would I be looking at? Of course with me, you never really know who you'll meet in there."Hello, people in my head! How do you do? Hey, new guy! What's your name? Nosferatu? Pleasure to make your acquaintance! Meet the ladies from the Starland Vocal Band !") I have confronted fears and celebrated triumphs, examining the pearls of experience that, once polished and strung together, have become the beautiful and unique necklace that is ME. Here is the truth I have discovered about myself for today: Actually, it gives me no satisfaction to pen this cyber-journal in a vacuum, for myself on the journey to my own edification. I crave the acknowledgment and approval of others, and rejoice in their commentary on my wit and insight. What do I care about internal satisfaction and self-worth? I don't need to contemplate my own value as a human; I want everyone else to know how fantastic I am! Perhaps allowing others to benefit from my brilliance will become my life's work. It will be a tough row to hoe, but since I am about to be a tough ho on the road, I accept the challenge and will try not to let you, my peeps, down.

So, having talked a bit about me, let's talk about my blog. Guess what? My blog has been read in Canada, England and Australia (G'day to you too, McMother!), and may will be on its way to France and Belgium. Cool, huh?* True, the guy from England (I'll call him "Pommey Basturd") is only interested in "seeing [my] slow descent into madness", and some people have not been all together helpful in allaying my fears (Little Salty is already preparing my eulogogy), but any commentary is good commentary, I s'pose.

I haven't really been doing too much to prepare for my trip, on account of all the parties that have been thrown in my honor. Last night, my Japanese friend, Denichiwa, took me out to our favorite robata bar for rock and lobstah.


Please notice that we listened to the rock on 92.5 at 9:25. Coincidence? You be the judge!


Needless to say, it was divine. While we were there, we noticed that the valets had parked an convertible, orange Lambourghini convertible right out front. Nothing says "overcompensation for my tiny, pointy manhood" like a ridiculous car, right?


BONUS for AE and EA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l67SLCOYoHA

*NOTE TO CYBERSTALKERS- Clever how I threw you off the trail there, by acting like I wasn't posting from any of those countries, huh? You've got to wake up pretty early in the morning to stalk the Deenstah!

I was reading the New York Times the other day and came across a long article about Glacier National Park , where I am going in Northern Montana. You can see the article in its entirety, as well as a little slide show, at www.nytimes/escapes.
It looks awesome, not like Spiccoli-speak "AWWWSUUUUMMM, dude! I'm so wasted," but awesome like truly awe-inspiring, full of awe (though, not awful, which is not what I mean to say at all.) However, it does bring to mind a few of my not-so-unspoken fears. For example, I have been worried for weeks that I will be eaten by a bear on this trip. Many people have pooh-poohed (heh heh -I said poo poo hed! Get it?) this idea, and my friend Alan told me I'd have to be a complete moron to actually be eaten. McAdams says if you walk down the trails calling "Yo, bear!", you'll be safe. (Evidently, bears respond to reverse psychology. If you beckon to them, they won't come. Good to know.) McAdams was once a waitress in the Glacier Park Cafe, so she should know. Still, I am wary, and the article has only made things worse. Since I know none of you will actually read the article I have gone to such pains to link, let me quote from page 2, paragraph 3:

Grizzly bears are thick in Glacier, and it's possible to run into one just about
anywhere. Many hikers carry small cans of bear repellent made from capsicum, the
active ingredient in hot peppers, which is a last line of defense should a bear
be surprised and act aggressively. The repellent is available at stores in the
park.

Fabulous. When the bear does eat me, I will be a spicy salsa treat. The article goes on further to say:

Open areas have been created by avalanches that have wiped out trees and created habitat for edible plants. That's why grizzly bears prowl the open areas. They can often be seen from the road far below, hunched over, their silver-tipped fur flashing as they dig furiously for ground squirrels or glacier lilies.

I consulted a species translating dictionary, and apparently "ground suirrels" is "people" in bear. It's official. I am afraid of bears. The article also talks about how dizzyingly, nauseatingly steep some of the trails are, and relays numerous occassions when people have careened over the gaurdrails, which they showed a picture of. The guard rails appear to be a bunch of rocks stacked up about two feet tall. Good enough for me, or anyone of my lanky frame. I think I am afraid of heights, too.

I am also afraid of things that adapt and evolve into unstoppable forces, like roaches. For example, I live in a lush, tropical, rainy area. (Follow the link, cyberstalkers, and narrow your nefarious search!) We have mosquitos that have evolved from giant man-eating dinosaurs (pterodactyl-homosapienyumicus). My brother-in-law, Eduardo, went to take the garbage out and lost roughly a pint of blood from his big toe.

Hideous, isn't it. I am also afraid of nutria, snakehead fish ( one of whom has evolved to the point of having his own blog, snakefishblog.blogspot.com; truly terrifying!), giant carp, and the government.

Special thanks for today's blog go to Eduardo and my Japanese friend Denichya, but not to Reid, whose comments are going to get me arrested and/or attacked.

BONUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check this out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU Do it!